There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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