I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
