Your face is a jimmy john
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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