??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
