Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
A bitchslap is in order.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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