Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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