I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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