If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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