White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
