i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
