That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
God, I missed his penis.
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