ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize