So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
