saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I look excited, but its just a facade.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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