I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
