I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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