I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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