Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
