I want to stick my p in your. b.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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