so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
