Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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