Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
