Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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