Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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