WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
