Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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