I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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