I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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