I think my vagina is haunted
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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