woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
