....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
