I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
