I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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