My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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