Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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