the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
