Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
