You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
