Christians are straight up FREAKS
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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