My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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