I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
