my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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