I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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