I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize