From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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