i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
smell my finger.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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