U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
