Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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