She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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