Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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