Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Of course I have a pirate flag
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
