Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
