i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize