i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
