if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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