and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
