His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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