Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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