My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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