Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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