So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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