sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
