yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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