look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
