If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
