we have pet lesbian snakes
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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