Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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