I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
