Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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