why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
